| May. 9th, 2007 @ 11:25 am another summer at home |
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Feeling...:  for new york
sooo i'm home for the summer and it's a bittersweet feeling. i feel like i left so much unfinished at school. this past semester sucked. this entire year has sucked. and yet, been amazing.
i got to school not knowing if i would be able to stand living on the hall with my sisters. turns out, i couldnt have gotten through the year if i didnt. whenever something went wrong, everytime i was sick, everytime boys sucked, everytime the theatre made me want to kill myself...they were there at my door, putting happies up and a smile back on my face. although at some times i did wish i wasnt on the hall like with jj yelling down the hall JH IS NAKED IN MATTI'S BED!!!! yeah...that was kindof embarrassing...but then he made me feel better by telling me she was just jealous that he wouldnt do her anymore. that made everything better. lol.
then there was LL. oh that show...not my best work...but not that bad. some people in the show drove me crazy. but at least i had liza there all the time with me. i dont think i've ever spent so much time bitching about a show. but it made liza and i REALLY close. which made it just that much harder to say goodbye to her and jk when they left for LA. that's been really hard. i looked up to them, whenever there was a problem with anything, i went to at least one of them. and suddenly...they're across the country. it's been really hard to deal with but they've still been there for me. i get texts from liza all the time telling me she just talked to another celebrity. and they've both been my rocks through this whole situation i was put in this year.
which brings me to that whole deal...its absurd. it just should not happen. despite the fact that we're all adults and it is a theatre dept so we're all a lot more open about anything and everything. its still school. we all see it. we all have had to see all 3 of them everyday. its a horrible situation to put anyone in. but thats all i'm going to say.
so i know a lot of people have heard this from me so many times they just dont believe me anymore but i really am not sure if theatre is what i want to do with the rest of my life. its not fun anymore. i dont enjoy it. its just not the same. and i feel so weird about it cause this is so many people's dreams but they dont go for it cause its too hard and competitive. and here i am going for it and i dont want it anymore. i have no idea what else i would want to do with my life. but i'm getting more sure everyday its not this.
through all of the stress of the year i fell into a lot of bad habits. i picked up smoking again and started smoking even more dangerous things...a lot. yeah it was fun and i'm not going to completely stop. but i do need to slow down. its just not a good thing to do everyday. esp the late night mcdonalds everynight...that's probably the worst part of it.
ok so there's the JH situation which i probably should mention since it was a huge part of the year. it started off pretty badly...the night before my bigs birthday, i made out with him. not such a good idea when she had a crush on him. but with her permission i moved on. we started talking. he took me to a movie where we ran into my aunt and uncle who were really impressed by him and really made me realize what a gentleman he can be. he def isnt always like that...rarely is in fact, but he does have it in him and seeing it def was not good for the growing feelings i had for him. which of course, i suppressed because he's JH - a man whore - and we were just fooling around late at night. and texting all day? he went with me to our christmas formal. at the very end of the dance he asked the dj to play RED HIGH HEELS (which i was wearing) and danced with me. like seriously danced...he used to do ballroom so he was twirling me around and stuff...it was SO cute. once we got home he told me he was going to finleys with the guys so i went to my room. then apparently downstairs one of my friends asked him "are you coming?" and he said "no, i've got to go with matti upstairs" (mind you i told him to go to the bar) and my friend was like "you're whipped" and JH just smiled and ran upstairs. well we said goodbye at the end of the sem because he was going to transfer. i came back from winter break and he was there. we met up. we drank, we went to dinner, we fooled around, we drank some more and went out with our friends. i didnt know what was going to happen at that point. but he ended up sticking around and we started seeing a lot more of each other. once he got his apartment it really started happening. i stayed there at least thrice a week for about a month and a half. and as it got closer to valentines day he started letting himself get closer to me. when we started out it was a fuck and pass out sleeping away from each other. but by this point, he would get upset if i didnt let him hold my hand or put his arm around me. about a week before vday we were laying in bed and he said "what? dont you wanna drink me and say romantic things to each other?". i didnt know what to do. that's not the JH you hear about. could he really have actuall feelings for someone? for me? so i ignored it, suppressed the fact that yes, i would love to do that and went to sleep. then on vday he called me and asked me to come over so we could talk about being in a relationship together. i said no. i didnt talk to him for a couple days and when i did, he had a 35 y/o girlfriend. i was crushed. suddenly i let myself realize how much i wanted him. and it wasnt just cause i couldnt have him and i was jealous or that now i had noone to do. i wanted to be his gf. i wanted to be that one. and i'd blown it. it sucked. i didnt want to get out of bed for days and for the most part i didnt. but eventually i did and realized that i just neededt to get over it and get my stuff back from him that was at his apt. it took a long time. a week before school was over he called me to come over and get my stuff. when i was leaving he grabbed me, hugged me and kissed me on the head. everything came rushing back to me. he then came with me to our drags dance. he got wasted and i had to take him home so we werent there for very long. when we got home, he passed out and so did i. in the middle of the night he got in a fight with his ex crazy kim. i was worried she was going to come over and try to get in and i would have to hide in a closet so i asked if he wanted me to leave he said "no. i want her to stop so i can be with you." but after the whole fight he made up for it and asked when i was leaving for home (md) i said next sunday. he said "so we have two weeks to make up for lost time?" that made me really happy. then we started talking about things and i said "so why didnt you just date me?" and he said "i wished i had" and basically we want to be together next year.but we'll see. i actually didnt get to see him again cause i got really sick for my birthday and he was fired from work. but we talked about things and we're excited for next semester and to see how things go. so that's where that's at. i really miss him.
for some good news...I GOT A LITTLE!!! and she is the best little ever! she's quickly become my best friend and i dont know what i would do without her. whether i need someone to talk to or to drink with...she's there for me. she will be here in 24 hours and we're going to new york for the weekend. i'm so excited. things kinda fell out with us at the end of the semester cause we were both so stressed and sick and crazy. but things are better now and i cant wait to see her. i saw her like five days ago and i already miss her. but i mean, in some ways she's a lot like me so duh why wouldnt i miss her? we were both really pissed that we didnt get the BEST BS/LS AWARD at carnation cause we def deserve it. we are the real best BS/LS in the WORLD and now you all know that. and i just want my little to know i wasnt mad at her on my bday and i love her very much!!!! |
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