.::mAtTiZzLE::.

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 02:32:10 GMT

Well, I def know where I belong in 2 years. New York. And thats def a relief to know that again. But for right now I dont know what I want to do. I don't want to go back to High Point. Ugh. The idea of doing theatre there again after working at Toby's this past week makes me sick. But, I guess I can learn what NOT to do at least. And I can just try my hardest at whatever I do. I wish I could get into Maryland. That would be perfect. But, I dont think that would happen. So...back to HPU I go. And honestly, there's two reasons that make me happy about going back. 1) My LiTTLe 2) Ami Shupe. Okay, and there might be a third reason but I won't know till I get back there. OH! And it'll be really nice to still be near my family for a while. Esp since I dont think they'll ever come visit me in New York and I dont plan on having much time to visit them. That's really depressing to think about. Anyways, I'm glad to have something to work for again.

Other than working my ass off nothing's really been going on. I miss my LiTTLe terribly though.

^^^^^written a week or two ago^^^^^

Tue, 29 May 2007 03:52:39 GMT

im so sick of trying to find who i am and what i want to do with my life. new york didnt do anything for me. i had so much fun with my little and erik and shmall. but every show we saw made me just want to cry. for the first time in my life i was watching a show and didnt want to be a part of it. i was perfectly happy just watching it. thats not me. i didnt get that rush that ive always gotten just from being in the city. i felt like a tourist more than ever. not like a prospective new yorker. a marylander visiting the big apple. it sounds stupid i know. but it's actually the worst feeling ever. its not that my dreams are too far out of reach. its that i dont want them anymore. i dont want to do theatre anymore. i dont even want to live in the city anymore. i dont know what happened. and im sick of people saying that it'll come back to me and ill get the drive back soon and that its just my school. but im kinda done. the only think i really have a strong desire for is to figure out what else to do with my life. ive wanted this and only this since i was in seventh grade...its hard to not know what i want now. its pretty much eating me alive.

I will never know
Myself till I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

another summer at home

Wed, 09 May 2007 16:13:11 GMT

sooo i'm home for the summer and it's a bittersweet feeling. i feel like i left so much unfinished at school. this past semester sucked. this entire year has sucked. and yet, been amazing.

i got to school not knowing if i would be able to stand living on the hall with my sisters. turns out, i couldnt have gotten through the year if i didnt. whenever something went wrong, everytime i was sick, everytime boys sucked, everytime the theatre made me want to kill myself...they were there at my door, putting happies up and a smile back on my face. although at some times i did wish i wasnt on the hall like with jj yelling down the hall JH IS NAKED IN MATTI'S BED!!!! yeah...that was kindof embarrassing...but then he made me feel better by telling me she was just jealous that he wouldnt do her anymore. that made everything better. lol.

then there was LL. oh that show...not my best work...but not that bad. some people in the show drove me crazy. but at least i had liza there all the time with me. i dont think i've ever spent so much time bitching about a show. but it made liza and i REALLY close. which made it just that much harder to say goodbye to her and jk when they left for LA. that's been really hard. i looked up to them, whenever there was a problem with anything, i went to at least one of them. and suddenly...they're across the country. it's been really hard to deal with but they've still been there for me. i get texts from liza all the time telling me she just talked to another celebrity. and they've both been my rocks through this whole situation i was put in this year.

which brings me to that whole deal...its absurd. it just should not happen. despite the fact that we're all adults and it is a theatre dept so we're all a lot more open about anything and everything. its still school. we all see it. we all have had to see all 3 of them everyday. its a horrible situation to put anyone in. but thats all i'm going to say.

so i know a lot of people have heard this from me so many times they just dont believe me anymore but i really am not sure if theatre is what i want to do with the rest of my life. its not fun anymore. i dont enjoy it. its just not the same. and i feel so weird about it cause this is so many people's dreams but they dont go for it cause its too hard and competitive. and here i am going for it and i dont want it anymore. i have no idea what else i would want to do with my life. but i'm getting more sure everyday its not this.

through all of the stress of the year i fell into a lot of bad habits. i picked up smoking again and started smoking even more dangerous things...a lot. yeah it was fun and i'm not going to completely stop. but i do need to slow down. its just not a good thing to do everyday. esp the late night mcdonalds everynight...that's probably the worst part of it.

ok so there's the JH situation which i probably should mention since it was a huge part of the year. it started off pretty badly...the night before my bigs birthday, i made out with him. not such a good idea when she had a crush on him. but with her permission i moved on. we started talking. he took me to a movie where we ran into my aunt and uncle who were really impressed by him and really made me realize what a gentleman he can be. he def isnt always like that...rarely is in fact, but he does have it in him and seeing it def was not good for the growing feelings i had for him. which of course, i suppressed because he's JH - a man whore - and we were just fooling around late at night. and texting all day? he went with me to our christmas formal. at the very end of the dance he asked the dj to play RED HIGH HEELS (which i was wearing) and danced with me. like seriously danced...he used to do ballroom so he was twirling me around and stuff...it was SO cute. once we got home he told me he was going to finleys with the guys so i went to my room. then apparently downstairs one of my friends asked him "are you coming?" and he said "no, i've got to go with matti upstairs" (mind you i told him to go to the bar) and my friend was like "you're whipped" and JH just smiled and ran upstairs. well we said goodbye at the end of the sem because he was going to transfer. i came back from winter break and he was there. we met up. we drank, we went to dinner, we fooled around, we drank some more and went out with our friends. i didnt know what was going to happen at that point. but he ended up sticking around and we started seeing a lot more of each other. once he got his apartment it really started happening. i stayed there at least thrice a week for about a month and a half. and as it got closer to valentines day he started letting himself get closer to me. when we started out it was a fuck and pass out sleeping away from each other. but by this point, he would get upset if i didnt let him hold my hand or put his arm around me. about a week before vday we were laying in bed and he said "what? dont you wanna drink me and say romantic things to each other?". i didnt know what to do. that's not the JH you hear about. could he really have actuall feelings for someone? for me? so i ignored it, suppressed the fact that yes, i would love to do that and went to sleep. then on vday he called me and asked me to come over so we could talk about being in a relationship together. i said no. i didnt talk to him for a couple days and when i did, he had a 35 y/o girlfriend. i was crushed. suddenly i let myself realize how much i wanted him. and it wasnt just cause i couldnt have him and i was jealous or that now i had noone to do. i wanted to be his gf. i wanted to be that one. and i'd blown it. it sucked. i didnt want to get out of bed for days and for the most part i didnt. but eventually i did and realized that i just neededt to get over it and get my stuff back from him that was at his apt. it took a long time. a week before school was over he called me to come over and get my stuff. when i was leaving he grabbed me, hugged me and kissed me on the head. everything came rushing back to me. he then came with me to our drags dance. he got wasted and i had to take him home so we werent there for very long. when we got home, he passed out and so did i. in the middle of the night he got in a fight with his ex crazy kim. i was worried she was going to come over and try to get in and i would have to hide in a closet so i asked if he wanted me to leave he said "no. i want her to stop so i can be with you." but after the whole fight he made up for it and asked when i was leaving for home (md) i said next sunday. he said "so we have two weeks to make up for lost time?" that made me really happy. then we started talking about things and i said "so why didnt you just date me?" and he said "i wished i had" and basically we want to be together next year.but we'll see. i actually didnt get to see him again cause i got really sick for my birthday and he was fired from work. but we talked about things and we're excited for next semester and to see how things go. so that's where that's at. i really miss him.

for some good news...I GOT A LITTLE!!! and she is the best little ever! she's quickly become my best friend and i dont know what i would do without her. whether i need someone to talk to or to drink with...she's there for me. she will be here in 24 hours and we're going to new york for the weekend. i'm so excited. things kinda fell out with us at the end of the semester cause we were both so stressed and sick and crazy. but things are better now and i cant wait to see her. i saw her like five days ago and i already miss her. but i mean, in some ways she's a lot like me so duh why wouldnt i miss her? we were both really pissed that we didnt get the BEST BS/LS AWARD at carnation cause we def deserve it. we are the real best BS/LS in the WORLD and now you all know that. and i just want my little to know i wasnt mad at her on my bday and i love her very much!!!!

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 18:28:48 GMT

i'm so relieved but at the same time SO scared about what's going to happen next.

Thu, 15 Jun 2006 16:43:53 GMT

Put your music player on shuffle.
Press forward for each question.
Use the song title as the answer to the question.
No cheating!

How am I feeling today?:
"For Now" from Avenue Q

Will I get far in life?:
"Almost Paradise" from Footloose

How do my friends see me?:
"The Girl Gets Around" from Footloose (HEY!....yeah ok)

Where will I get Married?:
"No Good Deed" from Wicked

What is my best friend's theme song?:
"I Wanna Be With You" from Center Stage soundtrack

What is the story of my life?:
"Chattahoochie" by Alan Jackson

What is/was highschool like?:
"Harder to Breathe" by Maroon 5

How can I get ahead in life?:
"Happy Nation" by Ace of Base

What is the best thing about me?:
"When I Look at You" from Scarlet Pimpernell

How is today going to be?
"Oh, What a Beautiful Morning" from Oklahoma

What is in store for this weekend?:
"SOS" by Rihanna

What song describes my parents?:
"A Girl Can Dream" from Center Stage Soundtrack

My grandparents?:
"Does He Love You" by Reba McIntire (awww...ew)

How is my life going?:
"The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most" by Dashboard Confessional

What song will they play at my funeral?:
"Unexpected Song" by Bernadette Peters

How does the world see me?:
"Everyones a Little Bit Racist" from Avenue Q

Will I have a happy life?:
"Dance 10 Looks 3" from A Chorus Line (that's so true! i have no tits and ass)

Do people secretly lust after me?:
"She Thinks My Tractors Sexy" by Kenny Chesney

How can I make myself happy?:
"Cosmic Girl" from Center Stage soundtrack

What should I do with my life?:
"Going Through the Motions" from Buffy the Vampire the Musical

Will I ever have children?
"Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice (awk?)

What is some good advice?:
"Obladi, Oblada, Life Goes On" by the Beatles!!!

What is my signature dancing song?:
"Spice Up Your Life" by Spice Girls (sooooo true!)

What do I think my current theme song is?:
"Bad Day" by Daniel Powter

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?:
"She Dont Know She's Beautiful" by Alan Jackson

What type of men/women do you like?:
"One Boy, One Girl" by Colin Raye (awwww)

P-H-I-M-U P-H-I-M-U- PHI MU

Sun, 29 Jan 2006 16:30:38 GMT

I'M A PHI!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterday was quite possibly the most amazing day of my life.

Got my bid

Got my pink balloon

Met all the sisters

Paraded around campus

Got ribboned

Ate cake

Went bowling

Phi Mu nap time

Never-have-i-ever with my sisters (they found out a lot about me)

Kappas

Peed a lot with MoCo

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE BEING A PHI!!!

HELP ASAP!!!!

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 04:09:32 GMT

Here's the timeline of my life -

2009 – graduate with BA in technical theatre

2009-2011 – work @ Round House Theatre, Olney Theatre, Toby’s Dinner Theatre, National Theatre, Kennedy Center, etc. as Stage Manager

2012 – graduate from grad school with masters in directing

2013-2015 – work in Europe ( touring? Venice? Paris? )

2016 – get tech job in NYC ( off-Broadway )

2017 – get first Broadway job

2018-2023 – work on Broadway

2024 – direct first show in NYC ( off-Broadway )

2025 – win first Tony Award

if you want to be a part of my life write a funny little story/sentance and comment it so i can add it to my paper!!

SOMEONE WHO'LL WATCH OVER ME

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 21:48:17 GMT

High Point University's
Someone Who Will Watch Over Me

March 16 at 7:30 PM
March 17 at 7:30 PM
March 18 at 7:30 PM
March 19 at 2:00 PM

"Three men - three nationalities - a single cell":

Adam, Edward and Michael have been taken hostage in the Lebanon and are being held indefinitely in a single cell. This is not a political play, however; the cell could be anywhere. McGuinness has used the hostage situation to examine what happens to people when they are thrown together in close confinement against their will. Trapped in a constant dialogue with each other, the three characters play endless mind games, writing imaginary letters home, drinking imaginary martinis and telling stories as details of their home lives are slowly revealed. Caught between the need to communicate and the longing to be alone, the men torment and protect each other by turn, building up a complex network of power and support.

The play's great strength is in its use of repetition - the characters adopt each others' mannerisms and slide into circular monologues, as if clinging onto trivial details of life outside the cell to restore some semblance of order to their lives. The sense of claustrophobia is intensified by our knowledge that everything said in the cell can be heard by the guards outside it: being watched over takes on a sinister undertone, ironically off-set by the snatches of Ella Fitzgerald singing "Someone Who'll Watch Over Me" which cleverly link the scenes. The play is ambitious in what it demands from its actors, and fortunately these three are consistently solid with moments of real excellence. As well as being an intense theatrical experience, Someone Who'll Watch Over Me is thought-provoking, moving and sharply funny.

feel the flow...here we goo

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 19:19:59 GMT

well life's better...for today.

really excited to go home (again) and have people be home too.

really excited for pigging out with erik and a gay movie.

super excited about max's reunion party.

super super super excited about going up to spend the weekend in Wesleyan in two weeks!!! <3 AJ like WHOA!! can't wait to me Jess (aka me minus a year?)

3 days left of classes => RENT => road trip with HPUBFF AND FHPUBFF (aka joe and becca)

Mon, 14 Nov 2005 17:30:52 GMT

no one really comments on this anymore, but if you're bored or something, humor me.

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if
we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and
me. It can be anything you want, either good or bad.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be
surprised (or mortified) about what people

look what i can do!

Fri, 11 Nov 2005 03:23:33 GMT

love

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 04:58:39 GMT

LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL STAGE!!!!

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 03:37:18 GMT

VANITIES

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 03:28:23 GMT

VANITIES

Oct. 4, 5, 8 @ 7:30
Oct. 9 @ 2:30

At High Point University's Black Box Theatre

GOOOD NEWWWWWSSSSS

Wed, 31 Aug 2005 19:41:32 GMT

i'm ASMing Vanities - but the SM is a teacher so I'll be doing a lot of the SM work! AND i'm gonna be SM for it when we go to festival!!! AND i'm SM for the childrens show! AND they might make me ASM for another show in the spring!!!!

matt hugged me!!!

Thu, 25 Aug 2005 06:15:43 GMT

You scored as You're Collins' Cap'n Crunch!. You are a teacher at heart and are constantly looking for ways to help out others. You have a great love in your life, which is your source for inspiration. You are an incredible spirit, and everyone who knows you wants to give you a big hug!

</td>

You're Collins' Cap'n Crunch!

72%

You're Maureen's Cowbells!

69%

You're Mark's Camera!

69%

You're Mimi's Pants!

67%

You're Angel's Plastic Pickle Tub!

58%

You're Roger's Guitar!

50%

You're Joanne's Cell!

44%

You're Benny's Sunglasses!

33%

What Object from RENT Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com

i really like this...

Sat, 06 Aug 2005 07:53:09 GMT

random as shit...

EUROPE AND BEACH PICS!!

Sun, 31 Jul 2005 19:07:53 GMT

YAY! They're finally up!

http://community.webshots.com/user/mdick6905

ENJOY!

CALL ME!!!

Sun, 03 Jul 2005 18:35:10 GMT

If you wanna call me while I'm in EUROPE you can! I won't have my phone but if you call the following number you can leave a message and I might just call you back!! Also you can email me at this address and the message will be read to me when I check my voice messages - NIFTY!!!

TO LEAVE ME A VOICEMAIL WHILE I'M AWAY:
IN THE US DIAL 1-888-579-0208
ENTER MY ACCOUNT NUMBER -
2023616950
LEAVE A MESSAGE
OR EMAIL ME AT
TEKIEINBLACK@EKIT.COM

::MUAH::

shocker

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 19:45:04 GMT

i never thought i could be hurt this much by him.

go figure.

good news -

smurf and i are going to kennedy's

heather (my non girlfriend girlfriend) makes me happy

lauren (johns non girlfriend girlfriend) is my new best friend slash coach/tiffany's shopper wither

school in less than 2 months

my roommate's awesome

i forgot to post this....

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 19:54:46 GMT

john : "how much time do you give us before we're bf/gf?"
me: "that's up to you"
john: "what if i said it now"
me: "i dont think id be able to do anything but smile"
john: "well, good. cause i'm saying it."

cheesy and annoying

Tue, 21 Jun 2005 05:58:36 GMT

so I met this guy that's going to be a junior at high point. his name is john. we went out for dinner one night and had a lot of fun talking about school and funny stories. that sat he came to my graduation party. that night, me, ally, erik and john hung out at krispy kreme and my park. that was the night i fell in like. sunday we went out to a movie and it took him an hour to hold my hand which was purely adorable. monday he came out to dinner with us after pimp rehears. then he came over and watched a movie and he kissed me (thanks heather).

that is the story of the beginning of matti and john. the story will continue for a long time hopefully because it's a good story.

john is amazing, and although he is an actor (gag) i still really like him. i love the butterflies i get in my tummy when he's near. i love the rush of adreneline that goes through me when he calls. i love that he goes to my school and i'll see him all the time. i love that he makes me smile. i really love that i make him smile. i love that heather can tell how happy he is. i love that she tells me, lol.

because of john, i've also met some of the coolest people in the world. to quote a wise woman - "a lesbian and a midget". now, who doesn't love lesbians and midgets? but these two are the coolest. and they adore me, but then again why wouldn't they? j/k. they're amaz and i <3 them!

"I suppose that I could hold it in
But you excite my every cell
Sources say that senses are your friends
My senses say that I should tell
You that I'm not ashamed
You might just feel the same
But you have to try it
If you're ever really going to know
My dear, I went for the steal
Maybe it was rushed
Oh, my crush, I've got a crush"
- Gavin Degraw

<3

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 05:47:33 GMT

Your Deadly Sins

Envy: 80%

Gluttony: 80%

Pride: 80%

Greed: 60%

Lust: 60%

Sloth: 60%

Wrath: 40%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 66%

You will die at the hands of a jealous lover. How ironic.

How Sinful Are You?

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 17:05:42 GMT

Your IQ Is 110

Your Logical Intelligence is Average
Your Verbal Intelligence is Exceptional
Your Mathematical Intelligence is Exceptional
Your General Knowledge is Exceptional

A Quick and Dirty IQ Test

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 04:34:37 GMT

graduation = over

<3 c/o 05